Saturday, September 15, 2007
Leaving is going to be more difficult that I could possibly have imagined.
They say that "You can't go home again." I wonder just how true that might be. If home is where the heart is, then what happens to home when the heart changes? I'm certainly not saying I don't hold a passionate attachment to many things back in Denver. I eagerly anticipate going hiking, eating Chipotle, and of course spending lots of quality time with my family and friends.
But what about everything else? I'm not who I was two years ago. To take up the reigns of my old life not only doesn't interest me, it terrifies me. Of course, expectations can change and morph, I've proved that by the very fact that I've changed over the course of the past two years. Things that scare us one day can be the very things we cling to the next.
I suppose a large part of it is simply expectations. Not only is Japan "normal" to me now, but it is the United States that is unknown. We all make plans in life, and I had made my plans, encompassing a move to Tokyo, trips to Fuji and Hakone, Tokyo Disneyland, the mountain paradise of Nikko. Teaching lots more English. Eating lots more okonomiyaki. Its hard to change your expectations, and its only been a bit over two weeks since that future evaporated. I've done wonders in retooling my expectations, but its hard to change so much so quickly. My future is Denver is completely unknown, I have no expectations. I don't know who I will meet, what I will do, where I will go. That sort of limitless "freedom" is both inspiring, and terrifying. Humans like to be limited, to an extent. It gives us security and comfort.
In the Lord of the Rings, Frodo Baggins saved the world he loved, but at the cost of his ability to be at peace there. While my journey has certainly been far less traumatic than his (I still have all my fingers), I still wonder if I will be able to be at peace in Denver. Having tasted the outside world in all of its glory and heartbreak, can driving up to Best Buy on a Saturday afternoon really interest me? I suppose the answers to these and all related questions will be revealed in less than two weeks. Far sooner than later, and that in itself is rather frightening. For better or worse, this is my last weekend in Ishikawa.
Next Stop: The wild blue yonder.
and Roxborough State Park. ;-)